The 5 Most Awesomely Bad Rap Songs

I feel like a total tool using the term “awesomely bad,” seeing as how VH1 pretty much coined it for their awesomely bad countdowns.  But seeing as how there’s no better way to describe the following 5 rap songs, it will have to do.  Now these aren’t Weird Al rap songs, or anything dumb.  These are legitimate songs that you can’t help but like.  They are so bad, they’re good.  You can’t get enough of them…admit it.  I present to you, dearest reader, The 5 Most Awesomely Bad Rap Songs.  With video.

#5:  Master P – “Make ‘Em Say Uhh” – There’s no denying the badness of Master P’s only somewhat decent song (and really only that good because of Mystikal).  The hook of the song is completely inane in the same way that “gettin’ jiggy with it” is.  It doesn’t make a lick of sense, it’s spoken, and hearing 5 voices say “uhhhh” in 5 completely different keys is far too much for my poor fragile ears to handle.  But I’ll be damned if that isn’t one of the most infectious beats of all time.  And then there’s Mystikal.  Dude needs to get out of prison ASAP and make at least one more hit on the same level of “Danger.”  That would make me the happiest boy in the world.

#4: Akinyele – “Put It In My Mouth” – Possibly the most sexually explicit rap song ever written, including everything by 2 Live Crew and ICP (gawd!).  The thing about Akinyele is that this song is actually kind of tame compared to his other stuff.  It’s just that this one is the only one that I can actually listen to.  Partially because it’s hilarious (I mean, what kind of legitimate female vocalist sings the lyric “I was sprung once I feel your tongue in the crack of my ass?”).  Meanwhile Akinyele is barking out some of the nastiest stuff you’ll ever hear.  It’s so bad I wouldn’t even feel right posting a video here.  But here’s a link.  Ummm….NSFW.
#3: Freak Nasty – “Da’ Dip” – Ugh.  It’s such a bad song and I can’t help but love it.  Of course, I’ve got all those sentimental feelings for it (5th grade dances for the most part), but I think the main reason that song could be qualified as awesomely bad is due mainly to the video.  What the hell is up with that robot thing?  That’s got to be the dancing baby’s demon mother.  Oh, and let’s not forget Princess Leia and her friend, the disco ball.  Who could forget that?

#2:  Skee-Lo – “I Wish” – Old school rap  beat?  Check.  Old school boombox?  Check.  Forest Gump reference?  Check.  This is, honest to god, one of my favorite rap songs of all time.  Why?  Mainly all of the reasons above, plus the fact that the lyrics of Skee-Lo’s only song that anyone knows are straight up hilarious.  Rappers are always talking about what they have, be it bling (remember bling?), grills, rims….shiny things really.  And weed.  Skee-Lo was man enough to rap about what he didn’t have, namely height.  So while he’s busy rapping about his inadequacies and awkward time sitting with the ladies “who came to watch their man ball,” I’m over here bobbing my head, throwing my hand up, and hoping to Jesus that no one walks in and sees me.  

#1:  Coolio – “1,2,3,4 (Sumpin’ New)” – When we’re really honest with ourselves, we can admit that that Coolio is a fairly terrible rapper.  Oh I know, “Gangsta’s Paradise” really moved you back when you were growing up in the suburbs, but that doesn’t change the fact that his lyrics are almost as bad Will Smith’s.  In this song, “1,2,3,4,” he even uses the term “lookie loos” which is tearing me apart on the inside.  I just can’t decide whether it’s laughably bad or incredibly badass (I’m leaning towards the latter).