Moods – Snobby

I joke about being a music snob.  Hell, it’s in the subtitle to page you’re on right now.  The truth of the matter is that I don’t consider myself to be one because I don’t esteem myself higher than others because of the music I listen to.  I do, however, reserve the right to esteem you lower because of the music YOU listen to (lookin’ at you, Linkin Park fan).  But I know how it is.  Sometimes you just want to be a music snob, to have uber-valid opinions and a wide assortment of band names and album titles to pull out of your ass at a Starbucks or crazy indie rock show.  Well, if you’re feeling particularly snobby, here’s a music playlist that should help you along.  It’s only 8 tracks, but one of them happens to be 22 minutes long.  If that doesn’t make you a music snob, I’m not sure what will.

Snobby

The Top 5 Artists I Never Want to Hear Ever, Ever Again!

Let’s face it, some musicians just suck.  As a writer on a blog that deals primarily with indie music, I’m exposed to a lot of suck on a regular basis.  But little known to most people, there are actually two kinds of suck.  “Suck Type A” is when an artist sucks, but has enough talent to pique your interest and hope for better days.  “Suck Type B” is when an artist sucks so badly that it completely changes your outlook on the music world, so badly that you never want to even think about that artist ever again!  Naturally, this list is about artists who fall into Suck Type B.  So I present to you, faithful reader, the Top 5 Artists I Never Want to Hear Ever, Ever Again!

#5:  The Go! Team – Every. Song. Sounds. Exactly. The. Effing. Same!  Honestly, I’m all for getting fans pumped up, jumping up and down and grinding on each other.  But after about 12 minutes, just give it a freakin’ rest already!  The Go! Team isn’t bad enough musically to warrant being #1 on this list, but they have absolutely no idea how to put together an emotionally gratifying song; no clue how to make something that isn’t a barrage of loud instruments and unintelligible lyrics.  If you’ve heard one song, you’ve got a pretty good idea of what the rest of ’em sound like.  That’s good enough reason for me to never listen to them again.

#4:  The Teenagers – You may remember The Teenagers from a little playlist I made, oh, two days ago.  The lead-off track to their debut album, Reality Check, “Homecoming,” is really one of the most awkwardly inappropriate songs I’ve ever heard.  Unfortunately, there’s nothing really all that impressive about it.  The beginning of it sounds like a car commercial, and the rest of it is just gross…and kind of funny.  The rest of the album just tries to recreate that kind of immature humor, but fails miserably.  I can only listen to a dude talking over instruments for so long, and my threshold for such “music” decreases with every damn pop culture reference and poorly-executed joke.  No thanks.

#3:  Mike McCarroll – I’m with Erin on this one.  Mike McCarroll seems like a nice guy and all.  My brief correspondence with the guy led me to believe that he’s just a regular guy trying to live out his dream of making music.  That’s what makes me feel so horrible about putting him on this list.  But damn, his CD just didn’t do it for me at all.  I stopped listening after about 3 songs and proceeded to pawn the album off to Erin to review.  Country music isn’t my thing to begin with, when you mix it with blues and rock – well, I’m almost forced to find some sort of gouging object for my ears.

#2:  Benny Benassi – He literally uses the same damn synth sound for every single song that he does!  This is why I don’t go to clubs!  It’s not because I’m 6’7″ and would be entirely awkward the whole time, it’s because of crappy music by Benny Benassi.  I mean, if I’m going to stick to the whole “I never want to hear this artist again” thing, then I need to avoid going to places where said artist can be heard.  There’s just something so appropriate about seeing a bunch of unevolved apes out on a dance floor listening to the most simplistic, repetitive, uninteresting nonsense that has probably ever been made.  Benny Benassi gives electronic music a bad name and has probably done more harm to the human race than anyone else in the last 20 years – dictators excluded, of course.

#1:  Boddicker – I reviewed Caleb Boddicker’s debut album about a year ago, and I’ll be damned if it isn’t as gut-wrenchingly bad today as it was back then.  The guy can barely play music, he can’t sing for balls, and his lyrics are just obnoxiously bad.  Take this little gem, for example,  “When I go out/ I find things out/ I twist and shout/ and kiss your mouth.”  No, that’s the actual lyric to, get this, one of his better songs.  I loaned this CD to a friend last May, just to show her how bad it was.  I haven’t heard from her since.  That’s what I’m saying, folks!  Boddicker is so bad that she a.) decided that I wasn’t worth being friends with after letting her hear it, b.) killed herself, or c.) moved to Nova Scotia.  The bottom line is this:  friends don’t let friends listen to Boddicker!  Now, I would consider some of my readers friends, so I must insist that you don’t listen to the following song.  But for those of you reading who I don’t know or care to know, brace yourself for badness.  

EDIT: Sorry, I had to add this song in there. Totally the worst thing you’ll ever hear!

The 5 Worst Songs of 2007

Generally speaking, 2007 has been a really great year for music. We’ve seen great albums from Of Montreal, The New Pornographers and other established bands, as well as some surprises from newcomers like St. Vincent. Amidst this lineup of great albums though lies a small, but terrible collection of songs that never should have existed. Now I’m just one guy, so I can guarantee you that I haven’t heard all the worst songs that 2007 has to offer, especially since I try to avoid bad music at all costs. But from the albums I’ve listened to and reviewed this year, the following songs stand out as the 5 Worst Songs of 2007.

#5: Rilo Kiley – “15” – Musically, “15” is a fairly decent song. It’s in no way impressive, or even memorable, but it’s not downright bad. What is bad about “15” is the lyrics. Who would’ve thought that a love story about a male twenty-something falling in love and having a physical relationship with a 15-year old girl would be the year’s pop anthem? Only Jenny Lewis apparently, who when performing the song live feels the need to get the crowd into it by waving her hand in the hopes of reciprocation. It’s just that Jenny forgot one thing. It’s not sexy, it’s creepy (and pretty much illegal). No one wants to hear about a 15-year old child who is “ripe like a peach” and “down for almost anything.” No one except sex offenders and 13-year old boys, that is. That’s not exactly the audience I’d be targeting if I were Rilo Kiley.

#4: M.I.A. – “Jimmy” – M.I.A.’s abysmal cover of “Jimmy Jimmy Aaja” (from the 1980’s Bollywood flick, Disco Dancer) was so bad that it stood out as the worst track on Kala, an album that I wasn’t too fond of to begin with. I have to give her credit for trying to branch out from the straight-up grime/hip hop style that she’s known for, but the pseudo-disco production and over-sexed “Jimmy” moans pretty much guaranteed the song a spot on this list. The story behind Maya’s connection to the song is pretty cool and all, but someone along the way should have had the foresight to axe this one before it made it to the record (much less a single). I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. I’m definitely one of the few music bloggers/critics out there who isn’t completely in love with M.I.A., so that’s a possibility.

#3: Britney Spears – “Toy Soldier” – Ugh. I’m already pissed about the fact that my review of Britney’s new album was overrun by the moronic-majority over at Amazon.com, and then the other night I go jogging with my sister only to find that she has Britney on her iPod. Am I the only one left in the world who has the good sense to not buy into this garbage? Anyways, of all the songs on Blackout, none was more cringe-inducing than “Toy Soldier,” a song in which Britney resorts to the tried and true “I need a soldier” song (and by tried and true I mean entirely overused). It’s bad enough when she’s rapping “peek-a-boo he good” like an illiterate human being, but by the time she’s singing “I need a really bad ass soldier” you just kinda have to gouge your ears out and cry yourself to sleep. It’s just one of many examples of songs on Blackout that shouldn’t have ever been penned. But hey! You can dance to it!

#2: Maroon 5 – “Kiwi” – In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a pretty big fan of lyrics. It’s my policy that if the lyrics are a joke, 95% of the time the song will be also. Never was that more apparent this year than on Maroon 5’s “Kiwi” in which Adam Levine tells you everything you didn’t want to know, and probably a little bit more. So when he says he wants to be a “stronger and faster lover,” I’m pretty sure he’s talking about getting his pelvis up to about 100 TPM (Thrusts Per Minute). Ok. Fine. But then he takes it one step backwards in the chorus and says “Sweet Kiwi, your juices dripping down my chin.” That’s just gross! No one wants to hear about that Adam! Not a single solitary person other than yourself. Keep it where it belongs. In the bedroom, in your mind, and out of our thoughts. Thanks!

#1: Boddicker – “Bon Vivant” – Being a pretty big fan of indie music, you wouldn’t think that the one song on my list that was actually put out by an indie artist would be the worst song of the year. But you’d be wrong, because a lot of indie music sucks. Case in point, Caleb Boddicker. I’ve never reviewed an album as low as Boddicker’s 2007 debut, Big Lionhearted and the Gallant Man (1 out of 10 Stars), as I usually find enough about an album to enjoy to at least give it a few stars (Britney got 3). But Boddicker just upped the suck so much that I couldn’t find one single song that I enjoyed for even a few seconds. Of all of the atrocious songs on the album, “Bon Vivant” is the worst and one of the worst I’ve ever heard in my life. Boddicker doesn’t sing his lyrics, he howls them. He barks them. On “Bon Vivant” he howls, “The fooooooooooooooood tastes so gooooooooooooooood,” sending fingers flying towards the skip forward button. When showing it to family and friends, they begged me to turn it off before I finally did. What other song garners that sort of knee-jerk response? Maybe the “Nails on the Chalkboard” song that I just made up in my head, but other than that, nothing.